Introspection While Walking Down the Sidewalk

I'm probably going to be the last person to get to Brit Lit again, and even though I set my alarm earlier than usual so that I could actually shave in the morning instead of at some stupid time like 2:00 PM (or AM), I still didn't manage to shave. Here comes one of my old profs: did I form enough of a bond with her to say hi? Alright, I just did, and she returned a hi, as well, but I can't help but wonder. Did she say hi because of that special bond she formed with one of her favorite students, or just to be polite? Is she now asking herself what my name is? Is she asking herself if she's ever seen me before?

Here's a good friend, and I feel as though I should somehow say more than hi, even though we're both in a hurry. Hi will apparently have to suffice, because I just said it and now he's gone. Did I seem uninterested when I said hi? Did I give him the impression that he was somehow bothering me, even though I was in fact the one who initiated the exchange of hi? Here's another friend, maybe not as close: "How are you?" He says that he's fine, and maybe he is. He looks fine, I guess. Maybe he just was diagnosed with terminal cancer, though, and he's so used to saying "fine" every time someone asks him how he is that he said it without thinking. I wonder if I do that.

Yes, I do that. I do it even worse, using some stupid superlative like "Wonderful!" when people ask how I am. I wonder if people worry about me when I just say fine, or if they think I'm just absurdly upbeat. Maybe they think I'm making fun of them, which would be bad -- "You moron, why did you ask me how I am? I don't care if you live or die." I don't want them to think that I'm mocking the whole ritual of casual meetings on the sidewalk -- oh, here's someone, "How are you?" I answer, "Wonderful," and we both walk on -- but just a minute, I am actually mocking that whole ritual.

Do I really want to define myself by nothing but mockery? Do I have anything positive to assert, or can I only tear things down? "You don't need to pull others down to build yourself up" -- what a beautiful metaphor they taught to us in elementary school. I think that between the self-esteem crap and the constant talk about race relations, we have enough teaching of morality in public schools, and the Ten Commandments aren't going to help much. Those stupid Christians are always so insecure, longing for the government to acknowledge how very important and right they are -- but wait, I'm one of them.

And with that guy who asked me how I was, should I have asked him? We were both walking pretty fast in opposite directions, so there wasn't a lot of time. I could have pulled it off. I guess I didn't mind when that guy didn't ask me how I was. Is my reaction likely to be the same as that of an average person, or am I a freak in this regard? I just don't want to seem anti -- crap! I just ran into a tree again.