The Burden of the Perpetual Just Friendby Adam Kotsko (Parenthetical notes are of an apologetic or interpretive character and need not be read by any who do not have a special interest in this topic. The text printed in normal type stands on its own.) The phases of heterosexual relationships are as follows:
(I am perhaps the greatest perpetual just friend of our generation. My power for maintaining perpetual just friendships has proven to be applicable to a wide variety of situations, and the relationships that result from the exercise of that power have been almost unshakable. (I have expressed my desire for the step beyond the rank of perpetual just friend on at least two occasions, winning two long-time friends. In one of those situations, I have periodically renewed my request to be considered for the status of "couple," and that has had the fortunate effect of strengthening the perpetual just friendship involved. On three occasions, I have made half-hearted advances toward just friends, and in none of those cases has it had an appreciable effect on the friendship in question -- in one case, it perhaps even had a strengthening effect. (This was all a part of my plan.) These are not quantitative distinctions. People cannot "move up the scale" from acquaintance to perpetual just friends, or can they become "better and better friends" until they suddenly find themselves a couple. Just as in Kierkegaard's theory of three stages, there is between each of the three phases a qualitative difference that can only be crossed by a leap of faith. There is no being "ready" for this leap, no "preparing." An acquaintance cannot learn by making the kinds of observations an acquaintance can make what it would be like to be the friend of a particular person. I cannot watch the clerk at the coffee shop so long that by the time I actually introduced myself to her it would be as though we had always been friends. The relationships are completely different, and we would be completely different people for being in that different kind of relationship with each other. The best one can do is to make "objective," "scientific" observations in order to calculate whether the leap will be worth the pain that it will inevitably bring. I can observe that the clerk at the coffee shop does nothing but watch TV, and from that I can deduce that we perhaps do not share the same interests and therefore that becoming her friend would somehow not be "worth it." The only way I can know, though, is to make the leap.
(But the calculation is valuable, immesurably so. That is why I present certain special perpetual just friends with opportunities to calculate the probability that the leap will be worth the trouble, always leading to the natural and probably correct conclusion that the leap wouldn't be worth it at all. (Above all, it wouldn't be worth it because I wouldn't be leaping with them. (I have to keep up my record. I have found my talent in life, being a perpetual just friend. After I get my PhD, I will perhaps start teaching courses in being a perpetual just friend, because it is truly a valuable skill. (For those who would like to follow me, I have compiled a brief list of hints: |