My Requirements for a Girlfriend

by Adam Kotsko

Mr. Adam Kotsko is currently seeking a qualified female to fill the position of Girlfriend. If anyone wishes to be considered for this position, she must meet the following requirements:

  1. She must demonstrate a reasonably apparent willingness to become romantically involved with Mr Kotsko. Mr. Kotsko sometimes allows the candidacy of certain special girls to continue indefinitely, based on a rather liberal definition of "reasonably apparent willingness." This is not because of any pitifulness on his part.
  2. Mr. Kotsko must miss her when she is gone. Missing her constitutes more than merely giving her the occasional stray thought. On this point, Mr. Kotsko would need to have a distinct desire to make contact with her through any of the various communication media available to him. He would not necessarily have to follow through on this desire, especially if he is at the point of feeling as though he is being overly liberal on requirement one (see above) with this particular girl.
  3. She must share common interests with Mr. Kotsko. This means more than a common interest in sitting for hours on end in the lobby of Hills. If she can have an intelligent conversation with Mr. Kotsko on a topic of mutual interest, then she most likely meets this requirement. If she can compete with him in pingpong and Street Fighter II, then he "will surely have found his soul mate."
  4. She must not love things that Mr. Kotsko hates. She can be indifferent to things that he hates, but loving them is another issue entirely. Of course, this only applies to things that affect Mr. Kotsko directly. Differing food preferences, for example, would not be an issue unless she was constantly trying to make him eat "such loathsome foods as tomatoes and green peppers." Some interests that might seriously hurt a girl's chances are as follows:
    • Country music
    • Giving people shots
  5. She and Mr. Kotsko must have a reasonable chance of seeing each other in person regularly. "Regularly" does not mean "every month or so". There must be a good chance of Mr. Kotsko seeing her at least half the days of a given year. Long-distance relationships are unacceptable for a variety of reasons, among them the high phone bills required to maintain them.
  6. Looking at her must be a generally positive experience. Mr. Kotsko does not ask for perfection, because he does not have perfection to offer to a girl. He does, however, ask that children would not stop and stare.
  7. She cannot have met Mr. Kotsko over the Internet.
  8. She must not be impossible to buy gifts for.
  9. She must not have an annoying machine-gun laugh.
  10. She must not consistently embarrass Mr. Kotsko in public.
  11. She must get Mr. Kotsko's jokes.

If any females believe they are qualified and would like an application for the position of Girlfriend, they should send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to Mr. Kotsko's mailbox, the number of which is posted in the Red Room right next to the post office. If your application is accepted, Mr. Kotsko will call you to make an appointment for a personal interview.