I'm a Roman Catholic

Many people think of the saints as examples of strong Christian faith and perhaps even as companions and helpers in our faith journey. If they involve the saints in their prayer life at all, it is strictly as intercessors who can help them grow in grace. I don't think of them that way at all, though. I think of them more as powerful near-deities who can help me to gain material blessings. That's because I am a Roman Catholic.

The most powerful of these saints is clearly Mary, who has God completely under her power. Anything I ask of Mary, I get, including that Game Cube. That's because I am a Roman Catholic. I worship Mary because I am a Roman Catholic. I also worship the pope and think that every word that comes out of his mouth is the Word of the Lord, because it is. That's what Roman Catholics believe. Just ask your Sunday School teacher. I would readily betray my nation for the sake of that lovable Italian prince, and in fact I'm rather pissed off that the Muslims preempted us in trying to overthrow the United States. We made some real headway when Kennedy was president, but then one of those Christians shot him. As a Roman Catholic, I hate Christians.

Of all the parts of being a Roman Catholic, though, I enjoy the cannibalism the most. Nothing fills you up quite like the Body of Christ (better hope you don't get a bone!) and nothing quenches your thirst like the Blood (drink it before it clots, heh, heh!). It's even better late Saturday nights, when the priest sacrifices a virgin and we gorge ourselves on her flesh. We figure, heck, if it's good to eat the body and blood of a guy who's been dead for two thousand years, why not someone who's been dead a few minutes?

I remember last year, when I was in Europe and got a chance to see the pope himself celebrate a High Black Mass with all the bells and whistles. Satan himself made an appearance, standing on the altar. In fact, he gave the homily. He told us all that we were doing really good infiltrating Protestant nations. He reminded us of his profound disappointment when the True Faith slipped out after he had been concealing it under the Black Shadow of Romanism for those long 1500 years. At that cue, we all pulled out our effigies of Martin Luther and set them on fire, then put them in our mouths while they were still on fire, to show our belief in magic. Then we said a Hail Mary and tore apart a Bible, and the pope went on with the mass.

Ever since then, I've been trying to indoctrinate as many people as possible with the pernicious teachings of the Church of Rome. I hope to marry a Protestant and convert her, so that we can have a brood of ten Catholic children to increase the power of the Roman Pontiff. All this, just because I am a Roman Catholic. I encourage you to enter into Rome's loving embrace as well. I mean, it's either that or go to heaven, right?