Commercial Commentary

Normally, in my infinite self-righteous smugness, I don't watch TV. The last few weeks, however, have afforded me some leisure time which I did not wish to fill with tedious reading, and as a result I have gained some valuable insights into trends in commercials.

First Trend: Advertisers have long recognized the value of "selling sex." Even for the least sexy products imaginable, scantily clad women have played valuable roles in marketing campaigns. Now, however, it looks as though scantily clad women might be forced out onto the street for work, because the latest trend is to market products as being preferable to sex. Beer commercials are especially notorious for this technique, where a man is apparently walking toward or reaching for an appallingly gorgeous woman and suddenly it is revealed that he is, in fact, reaching for a bottle of beer. These commercials are praiseworthy for their honesty. Sex is more freely available today than ever before, but far from bringing comfort in life, physical copulation often leaves one exhausted, sweaty, and needlessly encumbered by emotional attachments. Beer, though usually consumed in groups, is just as easily consumed when alone, and it allows one to live for a significant amount of time without being burdened by memories.

Second Trend: People have long been intimidated by large corporations, and throughout the first half of the twentieth century, they have led struggles against their influence, best exemplified by the labor union movement. Now, however, advertisers are showing us what has probably been the truth all along. Far from being power-hungry, depersonalizing institutions bent on extracting as much wealth as possible from worker and consumer alike, multinational corporations of all kinds are actually just gentle pussy-cats. Indeed, you can easily manipulate a corporation with assets in excess of $10 billion in order to get what you want -- because it's all about you! Banks hear through the grapevine that a family is considering getting a home-equity loan, and all of them send their agents out as soon as possible to get that family the best possible rates and service. Men in three-piece suits, the very emblems of established power, awkwardly walk across the yard, getting sprayed with sprinklers, desperately fixing their hair before the head of household opens up the door -- they all but fall prostrate before the Almighty Consumer (which is you). You really do control events; you really do have a choice; above all, the structures of power and wealth exist for no purpose except to serve you and to help you reach your full potential.

Third Trend: You know when commercials just show a lot of beautiful people and then seem to end without even mentioning the company or product that is supposedly being advertised? That's so messed up.

In conclusion, if you can't think of three main points, just go with two. Trust me: I'm an English major.