Bands of the Century

The masses spoke: a century ended December 31, 1999. As such, we have had over a year to reflect on the shining accomplishments and dismal failures of that century, and I think that I at least have gained a certain objective distance. Thus I present to you a list of the best bands of the last century divided into appropriate categories. Although there may be some surprises, I think everyone should be satisfied with my choices.

Best Punk Band

Although some would dismiss them as pop-punk, I award this title to Weezer. The discourse of punk music is based on wimpiness and girl troubles, with a special focus on being picked on in high school: Rivers Cuomo takes that discourse and transforms it into something all his own. He can be creepy, as when he declares, "I want a girl who will laugh for no one else. When I'm away she puts her makeup on the shelf," or when he obsesses over a young Japanese fan. His true genius, however, lies in turning that creepiness into charm: for sure likability, few songs can match the dorkiness of "El Scorcho," which chronicles romantic obsession from an ironic distance.

The Runner-up for Best Punk Band is Ben Folds Five, who take that same punk discourse and remove the guitars. But I swear, they're still punk.

Best Angry and Depressed Band

Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails is so angry and depressed that it becomes a mockery of itself within the first few minutes of every one of his albums. As generic as his lyrics become, especially in The Fragile, the music is difficult to laugh at: "Eraser" is seriously angry, and in a way, the instrumental tracks are more depressed than anything else in revealing a person who has turned completely in on himself. Trent Reznor is the most angry and depressed because no matter how many times he rages against Marilyn Manson or drops the obligatory "you" into his lyrics, his music leaves me incapable of believing that there is really anyone in his life other than Trent Reznor.

Best Horribly Self-Important Band

Though Pink Floyd did give them a serious challenge, the Smashing Pumpkins win this coveted award. The Wall is pretentious and self-important, but though it is a very uneven two-CD set, it is after all called The Wall and not Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, and it was not followed up by a strangely packaged boxed set of five maxi-singles. Few bands' releases have been met with as much listener apathy as Adore, a 75-minute pop album from the practically self-proclaimed Biggest Rock Band on Earth, and few bands would have the courage to attempt to preserve their careers by releasing a 75-minute pop-rock album called MACHINA: The Machines of God. Fewer still would release a vinyl two-EP/one-LP collection of b-sides to twenty-five fans, encourage them to put it on Napster, and go so far as to call it Machina II: The Friends and Enemies of Modern Music. And I haven't even begun to get into the lyrics: "The street heats the urgency of now," for example. If I didn't like their music so much, I would hate them, and often I am genuinely embarrassed to be a fan.

Best Post-Apocalyptic Band

This is a category I made up specifically to be able to give Radiohead an award that no other band could possibly challenge. OK Computer and Airbag: How Am I Driving? convinced me that the world was going to end. Kid A sounds like it already has. A lot of bands, such as Tool or dc Talk, have a "message," and Radiohead seems to have one, but it's not a message they talk about so much as live through their music. Radiohead is leading the way into turning the "postmodern-Generation X" bullcrap into something comprehensive and believable, and they're leaders not so much because they are really original thinkers as because they're using pop music to do it. This particular award is leading me far afield of my main topic: here's the next one.

Best Definitive Band

Led Zepellin is rock music. To listen to their greatest hits is to listen to what mainstream rock music (as distinct from pop) has always been and probably always will be. Pink Floyd expands on the tradition through their extensive use of concept albums, punk simplifies it and intensifies the emotion, and many modern bands throw in all manner of electronic effects, but I'm not sure that you can truly say that there is a better definition of what rock is as opposed to pop than to say that rock sounds like Led Zepellin, and pop doesn't. Note that I have not said that this is a good thing.

Band of the Century

I am naturally predisposed to award this to Radiohead, but in this award I have to go both with size and diversity of the band's body of work and with the deepest impact on the most lives. Many bands have cults, but most cults are full of fair-weather fans who fade away once the hit single drops off the Top 40. Truly influential bands in my mind have fans for a lifetime, fans who will buy literally everything that particular band releases, fans who will even evangelize. The music of this kind of band may be disdained by the mainstream, banished from the radio, and granted virtually no critical attention, but this band lives where their listeners live and truly provokes thought, not about what is fashionable for the moment, but on universal truths.

With these standards in mind, is it any surprise that I name They Might Be Giants as the Band of the Century? Even the Smashing Pumpkins, with their vast arsenal of b-sides, cannot stand up to the Giants in terms of sheer bulk, and certainly no band can compete with Them in lyrical genius. Their grasp of irony is incredible: "Someday mother will die and I'll get the money. Mom looks up and says, 'My sentiments exactly, you son of a bitch.'" At the same time, they offer practical advice: "When you're following an angel, it doesn't mean you have to throw your body off a building." I could keep quoting their lyrics all day, constantly uncovering examples of genius, such as this one that is probably familiar to many of you: "Go ahead: wreck your life. That might be good." I guess their music is pretty cool, too, though it doesn't really break any new ground. They consolidate and critique the rock music tradition, then. There: They Might Be Giants is indisputably the Band of the Century. Have a wonderful day.