The Away Message Archive
by Adam Kotsko
This is a collection of some of my personal favorite away messages
for AOL Instant Messenger.
- Jesus died for your sins. Vote Republican.
- God's will is no excuse.
- Jesus died so that you could clean up and move to the suburbs.
- Jesus died so that you could feel guilty about sex.
- Life is too short to spend it listening to Creed.
- Forget Jesus: packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies.
- I'm having fun and being myself.
- I'm sick and tired of being objectified by women who only want to
use me emotionally.
- Every day an in every way, I am getting better and better.
- I am bored by anodyne inanities.
- I'm not dead, I'm just very badly burned
- Dave Matthews is a Nazi. (Original concept stolen from Michael
Schaefer)
- Whenever people remember my name and I don't remember theirs, I
don't feel bad. I just think to myself, "Well, of course he
remembered my name. There's only one of me, but there are so many of
them."
- I used to be smart, but now I'm just stupid.
- I'm quietly judging you.
- Hey, ladies, if your man ever goes buck wild, I'm available.
- I'm immanatizing the eschaton right now.
- Never apologize; never explain.
- Vengeance is thine, saith the Lord.
- Voices tell me I'm the shit.
- I am wearied of the superficial omniscience of encyclopedic
scholars.
- I heard Michael Stype is gay.
- I'm saving myself for my second marriage.
- I'm coping with my crippling drug addiction right now.
- I took the best crap today: write to me and I'll tell you all
about it.
- Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle.
- Go ahead: wreck your life. That might be good.
- I'm searching for the historical Jesus right now.
- I am pushed to the limit by inane vituperation.
- When planning your life, don't forget to consider total failure as
an option.
- %n is perhaps the most prolific serial killer in history.
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