On Coolness

A. Music

In our era, music is inseperable from coolness; it is impossible to be cool without having strong and correct opinions about music.

For the most part, music that is played on the radio is not cool. This was not always true, however; from roughly 1992-95, cool music was dominant, at least on rock radio. This corresponded roughly to the ascendancy of the grunge trinity: Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Soundgarden.

Of the three groups in question, Nirvana was unquestionably the coolest, though all three were good. The closest Pearl Jam came to coolness was Vitalogy; even then, they did not hit it exactly.

There is a distinction between coolness and goodness, in every area of life, but especially in music. U2 is good, but not cool (possible exceptions include "Discotheque" and "Mysterious Ways," which are not representative of their general style). Goodness includes both technical proficiency (typified perhaps by Dave Matthews) and earnestness (typified by the late Smashing Pumpkins).

Cool music is not earnest, though it can be technically proficient. A cool band is still cool even when the particular song sucks; when a good band sucks, they simply suck.

We can take Radiohead as an example of a cool band and Smashing Pumpkins as an example of a good band. Every late Radiohead album has contained sucky songs; this is indisputable. The sucky songs, however, were cool, and they arguably contributed to the overall coolness of the album. Smashing Pumpkins, however, do not have the same good fortune. On Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, for example (whose title is definitely not cool), there are many good songs, even a handful of cool songs, but it is not a cool album because the sucky songs suck too much and seem to think they're good. Radiohead seems to always know when they suck, and they don't care. That's cool.

Music that is not good, but earnest, is anti-cool. This is typified by Creed and by every rap-metal band. There is nothing cool about Creed; even though they sound vaguely like past good bands, they take themselves too seriously.

Coolness always requires a certain apathy toward public tastes, a confidence either that cool music will find its audience or that an era that cannot recognize cool music will get its due reward. Our reward is Kid Rock.

The only cool band on the radio right now is the Strokes, although Blink-182 is close.

Evangelical Christians and devout Christians in general are largely capable of distinguishing good music from bad, but they are more likely than other groups to be led astray into anti-cool, over-earnest music. U2 is an example of good music widely enjoyed by Christians; Creed is an example of anti-cool music that gives the religion a bad name.

B. Clothing

In clothing one must always distinguish between the top-down corporate pseudo-cool and genuine grass-roots cool. The thrift store look is generally representative of grass-roots cool, although it has been taken over in part by pseudo-cool in the guise of pre-worn jeans, etc.

Genuine cool and pseudo-cool need each other, just as sensitive artists and block-headed athletes need each other. Each is a parasite of the other, defining itself by opposition, although both the corporate pseudo-cool and the block-headed athletes would deny this.

Genuinely cool celebrities are difficult to find outside the music industry, because movie stars and business moguls are often required to wear clothing that conforms to the expectations of corporate pseudo-cool.

C. Literature

A genuinely cool person reads off-beat books.

The height of uncoolness is to hate reading, although excessive reading is also uncool. To a certain degree, it is acceptable not to have read much for a while due to excessive attachment to a video game, especially when the game is pirated.

Probably the coolest recognized Great Author is Ernest Hemmingway, though Oscar Wilde is also cool.

Douglas Coupland is good, but not cool; he is far too earnest. Don DeLillo and Thomas Pynchon are cool. James Joyce is cool.

Ralph Ellison is cool, but Richard Wright is not cool.

Neither John Updike nor Tom Wolfe are cool, though Updike is good.

Some satire is cool, although there is an ever-present danger that satire will descend into earnestness.

Jonathan Franzen is cool because he sabatoged his chance to become involved in Oprah's Book Club, which would cause his book to be read as if it were earnest.

The only cool author who is popular on a massive scale is Stephen King. John Grisham is not cool.

D. Philosophy

Most philosophy is not cool. Authors whose ideas are foundational for modern society, such as Rene Descartes and John Locke, are anti-cool.

Nietzsche is cool. Kierkegaard is largely cool.

Heidegger is not cool because he is too earnest and never funny.

Foucault is the coolest philosopher.

E. Gender Issues

It is easier for a guy to be cool than for a girl. This is a social injustice, but it would be uncool to become worked up over it.

Girls should approach cool guys with caution, because some level of earnestness is required in a relationship if the guy is to be expected not to abandon his girlfriend if she becomes pregnant.

F. Jobs

No job is cool, but being unemployed is also not cool.

G. Concluding Remarks

Cool people are always in the minority, and the fact that coolness is an imitation of other cool people makes it very possible for pseudo-cool people to look cool.

Cool people all die before their time, either by suicide (which is not cool) or by being revealed as posers.

The only way to remain cool throughout one's entire life is either to die in some accidental but morbidly fascinating way by the age of 28 (plane crash into a mountain, etc.) or to be Kurt Vonnegut.