Proposal for a New Colonialism

The first generation of colonialism for our purposes was the conquest of the New World; the second was the conquest of the Old. The second was more subtle than the first, more likely to leave the local population and perhaps even forms of government intact, and it was for a time a rousing success. Arguably, only the First World War kept the arrangement from continuing in perpetuity. After the Second World War, the United States has held onto the greatest foreign empire, seemingly following in the footsteps of the previous generations of colonialism.

The most interesting activities of the United States, however, have been the colonizing efforts in established nation-states, namely Germany and Japan. In both nations, something horribly wrong had obviously taken place, so the United States maintained substantial military presenses in both nations until they had become reasonably close to being Just Like Us. For a long time, in fact, they were perhaps too much like us, constituting serious threats to our economic dominance. Economic winds have recently changed, but it is difficult to maintain, even in the case of Japan, that the colonial project was anything but a complete success.

Although circumstances are obviously different, I propose that the United States pursue a similar strategy in the Middle East, with some notable variations. Obviously, mistakes were made in Afghanistan, and the United States became the victim as a result. We are, however, a benevolent nation, and we can help to correct those mistakes. Our leaders need to realize that installing a native government right away, even a "coalition" government, will only lead to the same basic problem a little further down the road. The last thing we need to do is support some half-witted non-Western tyrant who will eventually turn out to hate us; we've pursued that particular foreign policy long enough.

The only option in Afghanistan is to gain complete control of the country and to bring as many Americans as possible to administer the nation. We could set up a Western-style school system that teaches the version of Islam that the media has been insisting is the only "true" version, that is, the version that is virtually indistinguishable from Episcopalianism. We could build an infrastructure that would be the envy of Western Europe, complete with extensive expressways, train lines, phone lines, and full Ethernet connectivity. Every mud wall would be replaced with a piece of drywall; every donkey replaced with a car or combine; every turban with a baseball cap or "stylishly messy" haircut. Bushy beards would be outlawed; women under a certain body mass index would be required to wear revealing clothing; children would be encouraged to be self-centered and difficult. Within thirty years, the nation would be virtually indistinguishable from the state of Minnesota, at which point it would be admitted into the Union, all natives would be granted full U. S. citizenship, and the military presense would be decreased.

Would this be expensive? Obviously, but as a long-term strategy, this would offer roughly one-hundred times as much payback as National Missile Defense. Once Afghanistan (or Afghania, to make it sound more like other state names) became officially integrated into the United States, we could move forward into Iraq, finally deposing Saddam Hussein. No longer would columnists be able to ask the tedious question, "Who would rule in his place?" The answer would be clear: we would. Over the course of a century, we could easily expand to become the United States of America and the Middle East, which would have the added benefit of being a pronounceable acronym: USAME. That could lead to any number of clever slogans: imagine Uncle Sam resolutely pointing forward, declaring, "We need to make U the SAME!"

What else can we do? What other humane option do we have? How can we look ourselves in the eye every morning knowing that with all our wealth and all our power, we aren't helping everyone else in the world become real Americans?